By Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D.
The Couples Institute
Mar 30, 2004, 23:24
This document is designed to help you get the most benefit from our work together. The
first three sections deal with how to prepare for and maximize the value of our sessions.
The fourth section summarizes some brief concepts about relationships and productive
couples therapy.
Your job is to create your own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like a good
coach, my job is to help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help you become a
more effective partner - they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be.
My goal is to help you each make better adjustments and responses to each other without
violating your core values or deeply held principles.
Goals and Objectives of Couples Therapy
The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and
the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply new
knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.
The key tasks of couples therapy are increasing your clarity about:
- The kind of life you want to build together
- The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and
relationship you want to create
- Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be
- The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks
Tradeoffs and Tough Choices
To create sustained improvement in your relationship you need:
- A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
- The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team
- The motivation to persist
- Time to review progress
To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult tradeoffs and tough
choices for each person.
The first tradeoff will be time. It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes:
time to be together, time to be with family, time to play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang
out and plan. This time will encroach on some other valuable areas - your personal or
professional time.
The second compromise is comfort. That means emotional comfort, like going out on a
limb to try novel ways of thinking or doing things, listening and being curious instead of
butting in, speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. At the
beginning, there will be emotional risk taking action, but you will never explore different
worlds if you always keep sight of the shoreline. In addition, few people are emotionally
comfortable being confronted with how they don't live their values or being confronted
with the consequences of their actions.
The other comfort that will be challenged is energy comfort. It simply takes effort to
sustain improvement over time - staying conscious of making a difference over time -
remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative etc. It takes effort to
remember and act.
The other effort is even more difficult for some people - that is improving their reaction to
problems. For example, if one person is hypersensitive to criticism, and his/her partner is
hypersensitive to feeling ignored, it will take effort to improve their sensitivity instead of
hoping the partner will stop ignoring or criticizing.
In all these areas, there is generally a conflict between short-term gratification and the long-
term goal of creating a satisfying relationship. The blunt reality is that, in an interdependent
relationship, effort is required on the part of each person to make a sustained improvement.
It is like pairs figure skating - one person cannot do most of the work and still create an
exceptional team.
How to Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy Sessions
A common yet unproductive pattern in couples therapy is making the focus be whatever
problem happens to be on someone's mind at the moment. This is a reactive (and mostly
ineffective) approach to working things through.
The second unproductive pattern is showing up with each person saying, "I don't know
what to talk about, do you?" While this blank slate approach may open some interesting
doors, it is a hit or miss process.
The third common unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you are in at the
moment or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing these
fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn from the experience is
often an exercise in spinning your wheels.
Over time, repeating these patterns will lead to the plaintive question, "Are we getting
anywhere?"
A more powerful approach to your couples therapy sessions is for each person to do the
following before each session:
- Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
- Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind
of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.
This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important meeting and then
say, "Well, I don't have anything to bring up, does anyone else have anything on their
agenda?" Your preparation will pay high dividends.
Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships
The following ideas can help identify areas of focus in our work and/or stimulate
discussion between you and your partner between meetings. If you periodically review this
list, you will discover that your reflections and associations will change over time. So
please revisit this list often, it will help you keep focus during our work.
Attitude is Key
When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is more
important than what action to take.
What to do and how to do it can often be easily identified. The real challenge is why you
don't do it.
How to think differently about a problem is often more effective than just trying to figure
out what action to take.
Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you.
You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner.
Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.
The definite possibility exists that you have some flawed assumptions about your partner's
motives. And that he/she has some flawed assumptions about yours. The problem is, most
of the time we don't want to believe those assumptions are flawed.
Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner
Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner. I am
at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself.
Problems occur when reality departs sharply from our expectations, hopes, desires and
concerns. It's human nature to try and change one's partner instead of adjusting our
expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps therapists in business.
The hardest part of couples therapy is accepting you will need to improve your response to
a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it). Very few people
want to focus on improving their response. It's more common to build a strong case for
why the other should do the improving.
You can't change your partner. Your partner can't change you. You can influence each
other, but that doesn't mean you can change each other. Becoming a more effective partner
is the most efficient way to change a relationship.
It's easy to be considerate and loving to your partner when the vistas are magnificent, the
sun is shining and breezes are gentle. But when it gets bone chilling cold, you're hungry and
tired, and your partner is whining and sniveling about how you got them into this mess,
that's when you get tested. Your leadership and your character get tested. You can join the
finger pointing or become how you aspire to become.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
Fear lets you know you're not prepared. If you view fear in that mode, it becomes a signal
to prepare the best you can.
You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you handle
it.
The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to
change the patterns between you.
Zen Aspects of Couples Therapy (Some Contradictions)
All major goals have built in contradictions, for example, speak up or keep the peace.
All significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the current status, or
a striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and
learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to more harmonious relationships.
It's not what you say. It's what they hear.
Solutions, no matter how perfect, set the stage for new problems.
Tough Questions
Asking good questions - of yourself and your partner - helps you uncover causes beneath
causes.
In a strong disagreement, do you really believe your partner is entitled to their opinion?
Under duress, do you have the courage and tenacity to seek your partner's reality and the
courage to express your reality when the stakes are high?
Why is it important to let your partner know what you think, feel and are concerned about?
(Because they really can't appreciate what they don't understand.)
What is the price your partner will have to pay to improve their response to you? How
much do you care about the price they will have to pay? (Everything has a price and we
always pay it.)
Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her?
Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself?
If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make it easier?
When a problem shows up, it's natural to think "What should I do about it?"
A much more productive question is, "How do I aspire to be in this situation?"
The Importance of Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and
persistence.
Good communication is much more difficult than most people want to believe. Effective
negotiation is even harder.
A couple's vision emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry. It requires both people
to speak from the heart about what really matters to each.
We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us.
Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples counseling.
Effective communication means you need to pay attention to:
- Managing unruly emotions, such as anger that is too intense
- How you are communicating - whining, blaming, being vague, etc.
- What you want from your partner during the discussion
- What the problem symbolizes to you
- The outcome you want from the discussion
- Your partner's major concerns
- How you can help your partner become more responsive to you
- The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problem.
No wonder good communication is so hard.
Some Final Thoughts
You can't create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what's wrong. But it's a start.
Grace under pressure does not spring full-grown even with the best of intentions -
practice, practice and more practice. Practice the right things and you will get there.
Love is destroyed when self-interest dominates.
If you don't know what you feel in important areas of your relationship, it is like playing
high stakes poker when you see only half your cards. You will make a lot of dumb plays.
The possibility exists that we choose partners we need but don't necessarily want.
To get to the bottom of a problem often means you first accept how complex it is.
Trust is the foundational building block of a flourishing relationship.
You create trust by doing what you say you will do.
It's impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever being judgmental
or being judged.
If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and get it, you will pay the
price by becoming dull.
If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship
Knowledge is not power. Only knowledge that is applied is power.
Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few categories:
- Blame or attempt to dominate
- Disengage/withdraw
- Resentful compliance
- Whine
- Denial or confusion
These are the normal emotional reactions to feeling a threat or high stress. Improving your
relationship means better management of these reactions.
Everything you do works for some part of you, even if other parts of you don't like it.
Everything you do that takes a sustained effort is governed by three motivations:
- Avoid pain or discomfort
- The benefits involved
- Be a better person
It's also true for your partner.
If you are asking your partner to change something, sometimes it's a good idea to ask if the
change is consistent with how they aspire to be in that situation.
Businesses and marriages fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:
- Learn from the past
- Adapt to changing conditions
- Predict probable future problems and take action
Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is thoughtless. Insight
without action is passivity.
If you want to create a win-win solution, you cannot hold a position that has caused your
partner to lose in the past.
"To be a champ you have to believe in yourself when nobody else will."
--Sugar Ray Robinson, middleweight boxing champion, considered by many to be the best
fighter in history, pound-for-pound.
© Copyright MMIV The Couples Institute
